screaming in the dark.

September 30, 2018

It's hard to move on after heartbreak. Yes, I am “over it” and a lot of the pain has now been healed. But there’s a nagging and annoying voice in my head that’s keeping me restless.

 

I don’t think this just applies to heartbreak. It applies to losing a loved one, losing a job, not getting the grade, or simply not feeling good enough. It’s that pit in your stomach that keeps sinking and sinking and you don’t know what can pull you out. It feels like sand is falling in between my fingers and I can’t do anything to stop it. You know that feeling right? I don’t think I’m alone. I guess that’s what writers do, we write until the loneliness seems bearable. I digress.

 

There are no magic words or closure conversations that can ever heal that insecurity and dread.

 

Out of all the pain that I have felt over this past year and a half, this feeling … like I am so small and so insignificant hurts the most. Sometimes I want to grab him by the shoulders and scream

 

Look at me. I am here. I exist. This is what you broke. And this is what I built.

 

It just takes one person to make you feel that way, and it scares me to death.

 

I don’t know how to shake this off. And it fucking sucks because I’ve felt this way before, and when I escaped that feeling I thought it would never come again. Does it just come with the uncertainty of life? That’s so unfair. I guess we all just try and fight back that insignificance and dread, and attempt to build a life despite of it.

 

How though?

 

How do I move on from this? It’s not just about a boy anymore. It’s about me. I am here. I exist. This is what I built. How does she fit in?

 

 

 

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